Rebecca Buteau: Running Journal

He is good. He is good. Those are the words I keep telling myself. I know it to be true, but sometimes (especially now) it does not seem that way. A few weeks ago, I was having an incredible workout. Then on my recovery lap between my hard intervals, I felt something in my knee. I shut it down immediately, which is usually very unlike me. However, since my shins, I take pain a little more seriously now (that is pain that I know I should not feel...not the usual pain that every runner has to push through). I was actually very proud of myself for being smart and stopping. I figured that it was just a catch that would be fine by the next day. However, that was not the case. I woke up the next day limping on it. I ended up coming home from school that day because I could barely walk. I was devastated. I had just taken a week off to give myself a break from indoor since I had not taken any time off after Cross Country. Now I have to take even more time off. I know I had been in the best shape of my life. My runs were faster, my body was stronger, and my mentality was the best it has been since 10^th grade. I could not help but think "Why God? You know how hard I work. You have seen the sacrifices I have made, the hours I have put it, and the things I have gone through to get to where I am. Why?" Part of me hated questioning God because in my heart I know that He has a plan, but my emotions and head tend to always be dominant over what my heart knows to be true. For days I prayed for healing, and it only seemed to get worse. I eventually even wondered if God heard me at all-does He hear my cries? Does He see how broken I am? All I want is to go out with a bang. It is my senior year, and I have not gotten faster since 10^th grade. I know I am capable of things so much greater, but I have been plagued with injuries these past two years. My shin pain lasted almost a year, and right when I was getting to where I wanted to be, my knee messed up. I eventually went to an orthopedic, and he said that it was just irritated and inflamed. Give it a few days, and you should be fine. So I did, but it did not get better. I finally decided to take a whole week off from running instead of trying to run every few days. Still nothing. The PT was even surprised. Now I am scheduled for an MRI. The orthopedic still thinks it's nothing serious, but we will know for sure with an MRI. With all that being said, part of me is thankful for these past few weeks. I have met some pretty amazing people. I found that I really like PT. Everyone there truly cares about my health, and they are doing everything they can to help. I have learned so many things about my body that I did not know before. I get to use the underwater treadmill, which is awesome. The most important thing I have learned during this time, however, is the importance of seeking God before all else. During these past few weeks, some days I am fine, but other days my heart feels like it weighs an extra 15 pounds. Everyday I continue to press into Him. One song I have been listening to is called "King of My Heart" by Bethel worship. My favorite lines from it are "He's never going to let you down," "Your are good, You are good," and "You never fall of Your throne." Even on days I feel hopeless, I know in my heart of hearts that my God is good. I don't know why people go through the things they do, but I just can't believe that anything bad comes from God. We live in a broken world. Bad things are going to happen, but my God is sovereign. He is Lord of it all. He will never fall off of His throne. My prayer is that I will be able to run this season, and I will be able to run fast. However, even if that does not happen, I know my God, and I know that He will never let me down. He does not give his heart in pieces. He gives His whole heart to those who earnestly seek Him. My prayer is that whoever reads this will realize that life is so much more than running. Life is so much more than how fast you are or what your rank is. Life is about living for the Father even when you feel hopeless. Even when all you hear are lies, seek the Father. He will NEVER let you down. He may seem like the quietest person ever, but He is there and He loves you. I love running, and I may be a bit overdramatic about my injury, but when you cannot do something you truly love and have a passion for, it makes you want to come out of your skin. I feel like a square peg in a round hole, but despite how I feel, I will choose joy. I will choose peace, and I will choose to seek my loving Father above all else.